A Vagical Tale

I cannot stop laughing. I am very tired and giddy. There is a blizzard outside and I'm avoiding putting the garbage out. Let me tell ya - I am a wicked procrastinator and it allowed me to stumble upon the news article below.

I would propose this woman get a lesser sentence in light of the fact that she has a magical vagina. Which, at this exact moment allowed me to invent the word "vagical".

Read the article below - then I shall discuss afterwards:
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March 20, 2011
Woman hides heroin, cash in vagina

A Pennsylvania woman who crashed her car after burglarizing a local inn had a sizable stash of drugs and cash hidden in her vagina.

According to a report in the Scranton Times-Tribune, police were called to the scene of a car crash on March 13 where Karin Mackaliunas was arrested for suspicion of theft.

During a search, police found three bags of heroin in her jacket. While police escorted the woman to the station, officers noticed her fidgeting in the back seat.

She then told police that she had hidden more drugs in her vagina.

A doctor who performed a search removed: 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, eight prescription pills and $51.22 in cash and change.

Mackaliunas was charged with possession with intent to deliver a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia and two counts of possession of a controlled substance.
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I have many thoughts about this:

1) How did she get all that in there? You think she had help?

2) Do you think she was walking funny?

3) With all that stuff jammed in there, she decides THAT would be a good time to burglarize a local inn? What on earth goes on in Pennsylvannia?

4) I really like the use of the word "sizable" in the article. It was a 'sizable' amount of drugs.

5) Since this was posted in the Scranton times, I sincerely hope this gets referenced on 'The Office'. By Meredith, obviously.

6) Was the $0.22 necessary? She couldn't just take the cash and leave two dimes and two pennies behind?

7) Do you think you get a discount on heroin if it came from the lady garden? I should hope so. Or maybe it's actually the opposite and there's a mark up in price.

Okay, I'm talking pure nonsense now. I need to go to bed. Oh - one more thing - like a creepy person, I just looked up this woman on Facebook. Found her profile. You can see her profile picture. By just looking at her face, you'd never guess she was vagical.

Update

Last night the 'guy from the yellow team' I previously mentioned got yet another penalty. This time, however, he calmly exited and shut the door with the grace of mother trying not to wake a baby.

I smiled. Did he read my blog or was it my condescending glare?

By the end of the game I knew it was neither, but I will say he made me laugh out loud when he replied to a guy who said "you're in the box AGAIN?" with this:

"Well, what do you expect when you have refs who squat to piss."



*note: Both refs were male

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The Ketchup Junkie

I have never met either of my Grandfathers. They both passed away either before or just after I was born. I don't know the exact dates to be honest. I had a great uncle who took over the grandfather role in my life. He was my Uncle Lindo and he was awesome. He took us for rides on his motorcycle. He would pinch our cheeks and say "bella bella" and sneak us money every time he saw us. He always gave my brother more money than my sister and I because 'he was a boy'. He was old-school Italian and that's just the way it was. It still makes us laugh.

In his final years, he lost his marbles a bit. He would go to the mall every day and steal stuff. Not actual merchandise and he was by no means a criminal, but he stole things like napkins, straws, little packets of honey. He was a condiment hoarder. When we would visit we would see piles and piles of his food court treasures and he was more than happy to share them with us.

Where am I going with this? Well, this morning my sister and her husband left for Cuba. Awhile back I told her that when I went to Cuba, two things were noticeably absent from their cuisine; ketchup and peanut butter. While they did have some sort of disgusting ketchup imported from China, it was no Heinz, that's for sure. She is a ketchup junkie and I knew she would miss it as much, if not more than I did.

A few days ago I got this email from her:

"I went to McDonalds for lunch today so I could get some more ketchup packets. I have 14 now. I'll go one more time this week to get a few more. That should last me a week in Cuba. Now I just need to go somewhere for breakfast so I can get some peanut butter....."

I told her how much that made me laugh and she replied: "I know. How very Uncle Lindo of me".

No doubt. I bet he's doing cartwheels in heaven right now.



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2 Minutes for Over Analyzing

I previously confessed to judging people. Last night I thought of yet another way in which I judge. It relates to getting penalties in hockey. Now, I would be the pot calling the kettle black if I judged people for actually getting penalties - I'm not. I'm judging people on whether or not they shut the door at the end of a penalty.

I know that sounds absurd*. But I think it says a lot about one's mentality. Some people get out of the box, quickly pull the door shut and skate away. Some people carefully shut the door then double check its security to ensure it's safely closed. Then there are the people that leave the door wide open and skate away. (These are the ones I'm judging). They don't give a second thought to it. Someone else's problem. Someone else will take care of it. I would say 99.9% of the time - these are the same goon's screaming at the ref's and yelling obscenities to the guys on the other team.

I'm not a gambler but I would bet money that these are the same guys who put empty milk cartons back in the fridge and leave the empty toilet paper roll in the bathroom.

(Ya, guy on the yellow team - I'm talking about you.)



*Please keep in mind I spend many hours in the booth by myself.


Favourite of the Day: Marcie Runkel. She is hilarious.

Back to the Future

If Alexa stole your heart a few weeks back, check her out here singing Alicia Key's song, Unthinkable.

I can't get enough of this kid.

If you're thinking "why does Sara keep posting these videos? Enough already".... get off my blog. I don't want you here. Just kidding. No wait - I'm not. Get outta here.



Favourite of the Day: Banana Cheesecake Recipes. If I wrote this blog tomorrow, my favourite would be making banana cheesecakes. But I'm not Marty McFly, so this will have to do for now.

Walkin in a Winter Wonderland

My cousin Lisa got married last weekend. She envisioned a winter wedding and planned it to perfection. Every detail was thought out and it was beautiful. I would bet however, that she did not plan for her wedding cake to end up smashed on the floor. But it did. And it was awesome.

Why do I think it was awesome? For two reasons. First - because she laughed it off and embraced the situation. They had already taken pictures with the photographer and people were dancing and having an awesome time. In the grand scheme of things, a cake on the floor is nothing to freak out about. She and her new husband even took hilarious pictures pretending to eat the cake off the floor. Don't sweat the small stuff, right?

Secondly, and more importantly, I think it's awesome because it is a life lesson. For me, anyway. A reminder that you can plan things and envision the way you think things are supposed to happen but it may not always work out the way you had hoped. And that's okay. I know I had an idea of how my life would turn out and where things would lead. I had a vision, you could say. But that didn't happen. And that doesn't mean I think it's a bad thing. Well, don't get me wrong, I have my bad days - but I think it is a reminder that new paths can be exciting and memorable. New paths may lead you to exactly where you are meant to be.

Here's to hoping, anyway.

(Quite the analogy for a little icing on the floor, right? I know. What can I say? I'm deep)

Here's the cake on the floor. My favourite part? The photographer did it.

How hilarious is that? Don't let his brief clumsiness sway your perspective, though. Not only is Curt a cool guy, but he is a wickedly talented photographer. You need to click here to see his stunning picture of Scott and Lisa in their winter wonderland.

Favourite of the Day: The boner of all boners was pulled today. I can't even write publicly about it. If my life were a book, this day would be quoted by someone famous on the back cover. Probably Sarah Silverman or Jimmy Fallon.

The Napkin

Last week I went on a girl date with my very pregnant friend Amy. It was six days prior to her due date and we decided to go for dinner and a movie. She had been having mild contractions off and on for quite some time, so neither of us were alarmed when she had one during dinner. As we ate, she commented on another contraction - this one a little more intense. Soon followed by another one. Uh oh. I commented that they seemed fairly close together - she agreed. I quickly grabbed a pen to keep track of them. They were getting intense. She was red faced and holding her breath. I figured it was time to go home. We would skip the movie and call her husband.

She agreed - but insisted we stay a bit longer to eat cheesecake first. (hilarious)

I saved the napkin from the restaurant. I thought it would be a good keepsake for her to have to for the baby's birth story. No need though - it was a false alarm. The contractions stopped. No baby birth that day. Which worked out I guess. We ate yummy cheesecake and enjoyed a cute movie.

The little guy wasn't ready to make his debut into the world.....until TODAY!! He arrived just after midnight. If it's possible to be both ecstatic and devastated at the same time - that is what I'm feeling right now. I am so happy for Amy and her family and I have been anxiously awaiting his arrival. However, as luck would have it - it appears I've developed my millionth case of strep throat so I won't be able to see him for awhile. This pisses me right off.

But I am thankful we live in this wonderful world of technology that enabled me to see a picture of him within a few short hours of his arrival. He is perfect. Just now I saw a picture of Amy holding him, introducing him to his big brother for the first time. The boys were holding hands and my heart melted a little bit. I love these boys and one of them I haven't even met yet.

Welcome Daxton. I can't wait to watch you learn and grow.

Favourite of the Day: I am dog-sitting Eddie for the weekend. He belongs to one of the kids I coach. He is currently curled up on the couch beside me, farting up a storm. But he's cute and cuddly, so I'm holding my breath and enjoying his company. I don't want him to feel embarrassed...we just met after all.

To Infinity and Beyond

I used to be a very nostalgic person. I saved bouquets of flowers from weddings I have stood up in. I saved shells from my first trip to Florida and sand from Cuba. I had acorns from Emmilia’s wedding and the collars of my dead cats. The list goes on. I saved everything I thought held sentimental value.

Then I started watching Hoarders. Witnessing the wild array of filth and chaos these people live in makes my skin crawl. It makes me want to throw out everything in sight and clean my house from top to bottom.

Now I have an appreciation for de-cluttering and simplicity. “Stuff” is becoming less important to me and I value photos and memories more. I don’t need dried roses from a wedding to remind me of the wedding. I really loved my cat Steve but keeping his collar does not change that in any way. (In fact, it just makes it worse when I accidentally stumble upon it and remember that he’s gone.)

I have embarked on a massive spring cleaning project. Well, considering it was -20C yesterday I may be premature in saying it is spring. But since I moved into my house 7 years ago, I had yet to go through many boxes and piles of things I have hidden away. Until yesterday, that is. After 528,876 trips up and down my stairs I have successfully gone through everything. I have made piles of things to be donated, things for the dump and a small pile of things to keep (yay!).

I did decide to keep select memorabilia from my past. I was careful in choosing what I kept and what was not needed. (I do have a soul, despite my eagerness to clean right now).

There was only one item I struggled with. On Christmas morning 1988 I was given a stuffed dog I named Dumby (I don’t know why). He was blue, satin and just all around cozy. I slept with him every night until I moved out 14 years later. I brought him with me to my new house, but retired him to the basement. By then he was ratty, discoloured and torn. Yesterday I decided his day was finally done. I brought him to the dump and casually threw him in the bin with the rest of the garbage. I started to walk away when I happened to look back and saw him lying there. For an instant my heart skipped. He was lying amidst piles of broken glass and useless crap and I felt sad. I put a lot of love into that guy and he gave me love right back. I just recently watched Toy Story 3 and thought of Andy moving on to College and leaving Woody behind in a closed up box. Toy Story 3 was surprisingly emotional and a good example of how a plain old cowboy can grow to be far more than a simple toy. Andy knew it was time for him to move on and so did I. But Andy didn’t throw Woody into piles of broken glass, did he.

I’m such a jerk.

Tighty-Whiteys

I got this book for my birthday from Jane. Why is Jane buying me a children's book? Because it's awesome - that's why. When first reading the book I laughed and thought it was cute.

Further thought revealed how dark and twisted it really is. Allow me to share.

**SPOILER ALERT**.
Do not continue reading if you don't want to know what happens in
Bear in Underwear.

The book starts off with the main character, Bear. He's playing Hide and Seek with his friends. But no one finds him and he's left stranded in the woods. First and foremost - Bear's friends suck at Hide and Seek. He was only hiding behind a tree. Secondly, he clearly needs to find new friends. They can't just leave him out the woods. Geez.

On his walk back home he finds a back pack. So he takes it. Way to promote theft, Bear.

He eventually finds his friends and they pump him up to snoop in the backpack. Again - nice friends.

What's in the backpack? Underwear. All different shapes and colours. Tons of them. Why on earth would someone just fill a back pack with underwear? I can only conclude a pimp or stripper would be toting such a thing around.

So what does Bear decide to do? Try them ALL on and parade around for his friends. Like a twisted episode of "Say Yes to the Dress", he finally stops when they all agree what pair look best on him.

End of story? Nope. His friends then take the leftover underwear for themselves and they all appear to have a pantie party in the forest.

Hats off to the author, Todd Doodler, for writing possibly the funniest children's book ever.

P.S. Bear chose to go with the tighty-whitey's, which were my personal fave as well.






Favourite of the Day: Twitter. I know a lot of people don't 'get' Twitter. But it makes me smile every single day. Yesterday @MrsRupertPupkin had me laughing with this one: "My cat tried to knock my tv on the ground this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!!"

Someday, she'll whistle.

I cannot stop watching this video. Imagine having a kid this awesome?? And don't even get me started on how sweet the dad is. I have too many adjectives flying through my head to express my thoughts.

I love the moment at 1:04 when she looks up at him and smiles.

This video makes me want to shoot babies of out of my uterus. For real.



Jorge and Alexa Narvaez, singing "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros.

Find them on their fan page here.