Quests and Directions

Did you ever think you would end up wandering through a grocery store trying to figure out what food most resembled nipples? I didn't either...but that's exactly what I did this weekend. I was sticking to mostly the cookie aisle and candy aisle. I was deep in thought focusing on the goal at hand when I stopped myself and realized what I was doing. I wished someone was there to share the moment with me because it made me laugh. Then I got over it and continued on my quest for the perfect edible nipple. Which I found - Thank you "Baby Pacifier" candies. With them, I was able to finish this cake I made. 

In unrelated news, today I had to call my mom to drive me home from the car dealership. As we are driving down the highway this conversation took place:

My mom: "Okay, you need to tell me where to turn"
Me: "What are you talking about"
My mom: "...where to turn. To get to your house"
Me: "Mom, I've lived in this house for 5 years now"
My mom: "I know. But I always go the same way and this isn't it"
Me: "But this is the simplest way. It's off the highway and there's only one turn"
My mom: "I know. I just don't come this way."

Oh my mom. I love her.




*Note: On my blog I've now used the words nipple & boner in strange context. To all you perv's who've accidentally found yourself here through random googles.....haha suckers.

Farewell to my Optra

Today I handed in my old car since my lease is up. I remembered the day, four years ago, when I handed in my old car. I was sad that day. I felt like that little green car was a part of me. She had shared in my life for four years and I felt like she was truly mine. It felt odd to just drop her off and walk away. I felt like I was abondoning her. Today however, I didn't think twice about leaving that dumb black car of mine. I was more than happy to walk away from her and never look back.

Before I dropped it off I thought I should clean it out. I took it to a place called "Bubbles" and I vacuummed it, wiped it all down and washed the outside. As I was doing this, I started to think of all the things that happened to me in this car. In my little walk down memory lane I tried to think of the good and the bad, but only the bad seemed to jump into my head. Here's a few things that came to mind:

(1) The day at the dump.

One day I cut the shrubs in my back yard and filled the trunk with the branches. I decided to take them to the dump. Now the dump, in general, makes me nervous. I hate figuring out what way to go, where to stop, what all the bins are. I make a mistake every time I go and some random dump man always yells at me. So keep in mind I was uneasy going there in the first place. I had actually made this trek to the dump about 3 days after I cut the shrubs. I backed the car up to the bin so I could easily throw them in. When I opened the trunk I was horrered to find that there was millions of these teeny tiny spiders scampering everywhere. I guess there were spider babies in the shrubs? I don't know what it was, but I lost my mind. I started screaming and flailing all around. So much that some man came over to see what the big deal was. He politely got rid of the shrubs and all the spiders for me. But I was horrified to drive home thinking they were all over the car. I'm not even one of those people that hates spiders. But really, this was too much. Did I mention I hate the dump?

(2) The accident with the cab driver

I was at a friends house for her birthday one night when there was a knock at the door. It was a cab driver. He came to let us know he drove into a car parked on the street. He didn't have to say a word for me to know it was mine. A house full of people and a street full of cars...but I just knew. That's just who I am. And sure enough - we go outside to find he had backed into the front corner of the car. Apparently he thought that evening was a prime opportunity for a hit and run. After he hit me he drove away. Luckily for me, he had just picked up a friend of mine who was in the cab with him and made him stop. It was a huge mess. The guy didn't have insurance on him and the police were there and they had to call the owner of the cab company. Then there was the whole mess of insurance and rental cars. It really sucked.

(3) The faulty alarm

A few nights I'd be lying in bed and thought I was hearing my car alarm go off. So I'd go outside and would hear nothing. I'd get back in bed and then I'd hear it again. So I'd get up and go back outside - and again hear nothing. This went on for days and I thought I was losing my mind. It was concerning. Finally one day I ran into my neighbhour outside and she mentioned it too. I was relieved to find out I wasn't cracking up and annoyed that I had to take it to the shop. About six months after this happened the problem happened AGAIN. The wind blowing would set off the alarm. A bird flying would set off the alarm. Dumb car.

(4) Flat Tires

I rarely wear skirts to work. What's even more rare is for me to wear a skirt to work in the winter. I think I've done this maybe three times in my life. So, it's only fitting on the day it's about minus 30 out and I'm stupidly wearing a skirt that I get a flat tire. That was fun.

(5) Snow and Winter

I can't count the times I've gotten stuck in the snow in this car. Most recently at 2:00am on Christmas Eve and again on Boxing Day. I like having to ask friends to come and push me. I know they love it. Especially when it's cold. The worst I ever got stuck was in a friends driveway. It had snowed quite heavily and we were on our way to a hockey game. We never made it. The car was jammed in the snow so badly that the wheels were not even touching the ground. My friends Matt and Brian tried every way possible to get the car out (Thanks Guys) but to no avail. We had to call the tow truck. You know what the tow guy said? The last car he just pulled out was a..........surprise: Chevy Optra. It took him about 2.4 seconds and it cost fifty bucks.

(6) Locks

New Years Eve - 2008. A good way to ring in the new year is to lock your keys in the car. While it's running. Especially when you're driving a bunch of people home. I imagine they enjoyed ending the party standing in someone's driveway in the cold.

For now, that's all I can think of. Perhaps I should be more fair though. That little car took me many places and a lot of good road trips. I put 74,504 kilometers on her. She took me on a crazy trip to Wisconsin, to visit an old friend in Illinois, a camping trip to Lake Temagami, countless trips to Barrie, London, North Bay, Holland and many more. And I packed her tight many times with hockey bags to play in hockey tournaments.

I am thankful to have never had any accidents and surprisingly never hit any deer in it. That sounds like a random thing to say, but for some reason I did think someday I may hit a deer in that car. Knock on wood for even saying that outloud (or online, so to speak). I did run over two raccoons though (one may have been a porcupine...it was dark). But there was no damage and I think raccoons are evil, so that's okay.

So farewell to that black car. I don't think I"ll ever get a black car again. It was way too hard for me to find it in parking lots with the 50 other black cars. I ended up putting little flower decals on the back windows to use as an identifier for myself. I think those flowers became identifiers for most people who know me as well.

I hope the next few years in my new car bring me new adventures and memories. None that involve snow, flat tires or pushing. He has potential for the good not the bad. (This car is a boy for some reason)

Anyway, farewell black car. I'll remember you, but I sure won't miss you.

Eva Longoria is rich

Eva Longoria is rich. Really rich. She's also beautiful. You know what that means? It means she doesn't dye her hair from a box. A box that was only ten bucks.

In my basic schooling on the subject of Marketing, we were taught that the most successful form of advertising is through celebrities. And I understand the logic with that. But not in this case. I want to believe that people are smarter than that.

One day, when I must have been feeling particularly feisty, I sent Clairol an email in regards to this. I asked them to show us consumers someone real in order to sell their product. A person we could relate to. Let's see a mother with beautiful shiny hair. A mother with a couple of kids, a job and a dog who's making dinner as she runs out the door to soccer practice. Because SHE's the one who's buying that box for ten bucks. She's someone we can all be.

I went on this kick for awhile where I would email different companies just to see what their response was. And they weren't all negative emails. Sometimes I would email companies to tell them how much I loved their product. I liked the companies that made their responses personal. Not just the "Thank you for inquiring" generic bits. That's what Clairol did.

After all was said and done though, I realized that if I were going to the drugstore today to buy some hair dye, I wouldn't be deterred from buying from the brand who featured the actress in their commercial. If they had the colour I wanted, I wouldn't care who made it. Maybe that's why I didn't major in Business or Marketing. Who's the smart one now?

Back to square one I guess.

"Thank you for contacting us. It was very thoughtful of you to share your opinions about an ad for Clairol Nice 'N Easy. Consumer research is an essential step in developing every Clairol advertising program. Depending on the product and the advertising plan, we conduct personal interviews, phone surveys, small group focus meetings, or use any number of other survey methods. Obviously, we hope that these efforts will give us an accurate evaluation of consumer response. Sometimes they don't. Your letter has alerted us to a possible problem. You can be sure we will share your comments with our advertising agency and all the employees who worked on that campaign.We appreciate your constructive criticism. Your perspective and recommendations are very important to us. We will include them with other consumer comments as we continue to monitor and evaluate Clairol advertising programs, now and in the future.

The Consumer Affairs Team"

Simple Question: Why?

"Objects in mirror are closer than they appear".

Why. Why. Why.

Why not just put a regular mirror there. Why do they have to get all tricky like that?

My Fake Crushes

I develop crushes easily.  These aren't real crushes though.  They don't involve feelings.  They are just pretend.  But I enjoy them nonetheless. 

I'm sharing here my top five fictional crushes.  Note: These crushes are not on the actors, but on their characters-their t.v. personas.  These will most likely change based on my rotating show following. You see, I am one of those people who get addicted to shows.  When I get my hands on a new series I fall off the planet.  The show consumes my life.  I can't just watch one episode - I can't stop.  I have to watch the whole thing all at once.  I have an addictive personality.  

So lets quickly summarize the who's and the why's of my fictional love life.  

Jim Halpert (The Office): I want to be his Pam.  He's the guy who gets cuter and cuter each time you see him.  He's the guy you have inside jokes with that no one else would

get.  You could be across a room from him, but communicate with just a glance. He has that witty sarcasm that turns my crank.  He makes jokes, but not to be the funny guy or the centre of attention.  If you're the type of person that doesn't get his jokes, he doesn't want you to get them anyway.  

Spencer Reid (Criminal Minds): 

He's the nerdy but intellectually stimulating guy.

He too gets more attractive the more you hear him talk.  The way he spits out random statistics cracks me up.  He balances being superior and inferior perfectly.  He's a genius yet socially akward.  But not in an uncomfortable way. More in a way that makes you want to turn your head to the side and saw "aww" - then hug him and kiss him and squeeze him.  

Nate Fischer (Six Feet Under): He's the sexy bad boy.  He makes a series of bad decisions. And he knows it.  But at the same time, he's honest and he lives life the way he wants

to live it. In a way, that's what life is all about.  Making mistakes and learning as you go along.  He goes through life trying to figure out who he is and where he wants to be - he just goes through a lot of obstacles before he gets it all straight. When push comes to shove - he always makes the right choice.  And isn't that all you can ask of a person? 

Edward Cullen (Twilight):  Okay, so this is a characer from a book - I know. This is the crush that caught me most off guard.  I am a person that hates any type of book or movie that can't be real.  I like true stories, memoirs or things that are believable.  I hate all other stuff.  I have never seen any Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars...etc.  No interest.  Which is why I thought I'd be the LAST person to get into a vampire series.  Yet, here I am.  Not only into the the series, but having a fake crush on a vampire.  But Edward, as it turns out, is the ultimate hero.  He is everything and more.  He is strong, honest, old fashioned, mysterious, trusting, family oriented AND incredibly attractive.  He's a protective lion.  He's an honourable man you'd take home to your mother.  Really, what isn't he?  I bet he would not only cut my lawn and snow blow my driveway, but he'd do it in 2 minutes.  I think the only thing I wouldn't be happy about is having him climb through my window and watching me sleep.  

Ben Covington (Felicity): He is pretty much exactly Nate Fischer, just on a different show. He's a little more "boy next door".  But unlike Nate, he got the girl in the end - just like in a fairy tale.

So that's that.  I was tempted to include Hank Moody (Californication) in there- but thats actually embarrassing.  That guy is a sex addicted, drug addicted bad boy with nothing going for him.  I can't even logically explain the crush. But it's there.  Maybe he tugs at my dangerous, scandalous inner thoughts. Who knows. I would think my crush may evaporate knowing that David Duchovny married Tea Leone because she's annoying and a bad actress.  I think this one will fade fast.  It's just a brief phase I'm going through.  

So - I'm curious.  Who are everyone else's fake t.v crushes???