Today I share my story in case there is someone out there who feels like they are fighting the battle alone. When I went through this I felt very alone and lost. Though the more I spoke of it the more I realized how common my struggle was. There is strength in numbers.
I had my first panic attack during a presentation in University. It blindsided me. Up until that point in my life I had no issue with public speaking and had never really experienced feeling nervous. The class was "Speech 101" and we were being evaluated on our delivery and body language. Each speech was videotaped and we had to meet with the professor privately to watch the tape and go over our evaluation. Imagine that - I experienced something so awful and then had to re-live it AND be graded on it. Fun times.
From that day forward I grew paranoid and weary it would happen again. Going to class brought on a constant state of anxiety. Mentally I was a paranoid wreck and physically I was a mess. My stomach was constantly in knots. Then the anxiety grew beyond my schooling and into my every day life. I suddenly wasn't able to accomplish simple everyday tasks. I remember not being able to do daily errands like go to the bank or pharmacy. I remember having panic attacks in the waiting room at the dentist. There were at least two times I missed a doctors appointment because I couldn't make myself walk into the building. I drove there and sat in the parking lot and cried because I couldn't make myself get out of the car. Once my mom was with me and she had to go inside and tell them I wouldn't be at my appointment.
Friends and family struggled to understand this battle I was going through. Those who know my personality know that I am quite outgoing and far from shy. It did not make sense. I couldn't explain it or understand it myself. I constantly felt sick.
Soon I was off to Riverview to meet with a psychiatrist. Then I started seeing a therapist. Then I was put on anti-anxiety medication. Adjusting to the medication brought on a 2nd battle. I wasn't able to eat or sleep. Let me tell you - if you really want to think you are losing your mind - don't sleep for a few days. Insomnia made me feel like a full blown lunatic. My dad took some time off work and took me out to camp to see if I could relax and finally eat and sleep. I could not. I was assured this was normal and my body just had to adjust to the medication. Eventually it did but man - I would not wish that on anyone.
Over time I stopped having panic attacks and the anxious feeling in me subsided. But it was, without question, the worst and most difficult period of my life. I was lucky. It was short lived. I know there are many people who spend their lives feeling this way all the time. I am forever grateful for making it over this hurdle. And while I no longer struggle with anxiety, I do feel that it still lives in a dark corner inside of me. I worry it will one day emerge again. I have yet to confront my fear of public speaking since that awful day in school. Since then I have been the maid of honour at two weddings and I skipped saying a speech at both of them. For those dear friends of mine I really wanted to say a speech. But I couldn't. That hurts my heart. I was asked to MC a wedding for other close friends of mine but after an awful panic attack, I backed out the night before the wedding. (Thank you Steve for talking me through that, for bailing me out and for comforting me and thank you Andre and Claudia for being so understanding.) I guess anxiety doesn't ever truly go away. It lurks in the shadows it seems. When faced with fight or flight, I chose flight. I hate that about myself.
Maybe some day I will face it head on. Maybe some day I will win.
There are so many people fighting so many battles. In all shapes, sizes, forms and colours. It is different for all of us.
I hope someday we all win.
Favourite of the Day: Bell Canada committed to donating $0.05 to this cause for every text or long distance call made today. As of midnight, the tally was over 88 million.
4 comments:
Sara,
Thank you for sharing your story. There are so many people struggling with their own battles, but the stigma attached to mental illness is still so negative. Thank you for speaking for those of us who can't, aren't strong enough, or are fearful of the consequences of asking for help.
Sara,
Thanks for sharing with such candidness. Not an easy thing to do on such a taboo subject. Not sure why that is though. You're totally right...the more you share with people the more you hear the same from others. I have never suffered to the extent you have. But I did go to emerg with what Drs thought could have been heart issues, 9 days before we moved our whole family to Taiwan. (The Dr refused to chalk it up to anxiety if a test couldn't prove it and instead gave me some oxycontin for the pain! It was absolutely no help.) And I have had other minor occurrences since then. It seems really common with women our age. And I think it's a really good thing to have friends to talk to about it, for support.
Also, thanks for you comments on my "finally, she's back blog!". You're totally right. I think I'd feel the same way. And I talked to Nate about it after and he was killing himself reading some of his baby blogs and completely reassured me that he could care less if his friends read our blog.
All the best to you!! Always love to read what you've got to say. Katrina
Thank you for sharing your story.
(I just wrote a long comment and lost it. Damn.)
Anyway. As I was saying: one day we're going to make them grilled cheese sandwiches and yackety yack for hours about all the things that are awesome and difficult in our lives.
Thanks for sharing this post. Keep up the cathartic writing! I'm so glad you were able to get a handle on your anxiety. Panic attacks are frightening and SO debilitating. (I've been there sister.)
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