When dirty words aren't dirty

One of my favourite things is when my mom calls me and says "Sar - I pulled a boner today"

In most households, this would be a weird thing for a mom to say. However, in my family it doesn't quite mean what you think.  Let me clarify.  My mom says that when something crazy or stupid happens to her.  Like me, my mom often finds herself in bizarre situations.  This is where the title of my blog comes from.  Because without a doubt, I am my mother's daughter. In my family no one is surprised when something crazy happens to my mom.  Likewise, they aren't surprised when they happen to me.  It's almost expected.  

So just this week I got one of my favourite calls from my mom.  She tells me she went to the gas station to fill up.  For some reason, she forgot to pull down the gas lever to get the gas to come out.  She struggled and finally went inside to ask the gas attendant for help.  When she went back to the car there was a line up of cars waiting to get gas. Feeling the pressure of anxious people, she grabbed the diesel gas nozzle instead of unleaded.  Even though the diesel nozzle doesn't fit on regular gas tanks....she jammed it in there anyway.  Someone saw her do this and pointed it out to her.  But it was too late and the tank was full.  So, she to had place her standard call to my dad, followed by a call for a tow truck.   Here's the damage: $46.00 in gas, $80.00 for the tow and $325.00 for the work on the car.  

That is just one example of my mom's "Boner Tales"  There are many and they always make us laugh.   Aside from being entertained by my mom, I am also amused by dad's reactions to these occurrences.  Or should I say lack there of.  I guess being married to my mom for 39 years has prepared him for such phone calls.  He rolls with the punches and deals with them as they come.  

When the crazy guy threw his bike at my car trying to frame me, I called my dad in a panic.  He stayed calm and encouraged me to deal with the situation.  I did and everything was fine.   No panic required.  

I remember about a month after I got my last car I was driving a friend home. When I was backing out of her driveway, I accidentally drove along her fence and scraped my car all along the side.  A few days later my dad saw the scrape. Thinking he'd be disappointed, seeing as it was a brand new car, I was prepared for him to shake head or tell me to be more careful. He didn't. All he said was "Oh well, your mother just drove into the garage the other day too". No surprises; no big deal.  

The day I locked myself out of my house in nothing but a house coat that did not fit, I had to call my dad, from the house of some stranger down the road.  He had a spare key for my house and I needed him to bring it to me.   He showed up at my house and found me sitting on the deck barely covering myself and looking like a lunatic, I'm sure.  I waited again for him to say something.  But all he did was hand me the key and say "Throw out that housecoat".   He turned around, got in the car and drove away. 

I love my mom for knowing how to laugh at herself.  She doesn't waste time with regret or stewing over "what ifs" or "should haves".  She deals with things as they come.  I love my dad for not making mountains out of mole hills and for having the patience of a saint.  

I await the next boner tale in my family.  Not sure if it will come from my mom or me....

A Dog's Eye View

Imagine you are standing in a room.  There is a door in that room. You open the door, exit the room and close the door behind you. After awhile, you open up the same door and walk back through the same doorway.  But this time....you're in a different room. 

You know what that is?  That is an elevator. To a DOG.  

Years ago my friend Lisa and I stayed at her dad's condo for a week while he went to Florida. We were there to watch his dog.  He lived really high up in the building.  Several times a day, Lisa and I took turns taking the dog outside.  It was winter, it was cold and sometimes, it was the middle of the night.   Mostly, it was annoying.   I say this as a previously spoiled dog owner. We lived in the bush with a lazy dog.   We didn't have to tie her up or pick up her poop.  

Anyway, on these many trips on the elevator with the dog, I wondered what the dog was thinking.  Did she have any concept of how high up we were? And if not, did she wonder why we always had to ride this elevator?  Though to her, it would haven't been an elevator.  It would have been the room we had to stand in for no reason each time she had to go to the bathroom.  

Dogs are smart animals.  They can do amazing things.  But to what extent do their brains process concepts?  Do they think or are they just trained to follow command and are creatures of habit and repetition?

I know my aforementioned dog was very smart.  She knew she had to get off the couch when my dad was coming.  But she also knew she could stay if it was anyone but him.  She processed that and made her decisions based on her thoughts.  

But guess what?  She also ate her own poo.  

So, how smart can she be? 

Was it Merlot?

Just yesterday I went for a nice walk down a sandy beach on Lake Huron.  I took off my shoes and walked barefoot in the lake.  It was a bizarre experience considering it was November 9th.    

Then Mother Nature drank too much wine with Father Time.  They got giddy and played Truth or Dare.   While Father Time divulged his teenage secrets, Mother Nature chose Dare and erupted with laughter.  They high-fived each other and giggled as they showered us with snow.  

So 24 hours after I walked barefoot in a lake, I was forced to dig out my mittens and boots.   

I find it troubling how people who've spent 20 years driving in the snow always forget how, come the first snow fall of the year.   Though I live only 9km away from my office, I left the house today at 8:17am, anticipating the hideous driving skills of the summer-minded folk.  I didn't get to my desk until 9:02am. 45 minutes to get to work. I calculated that's equivalent to driving 12km/hour. Not good for a person who is perpetually late.   

Welcome Winter.  

I hope Mother Nature is hungover tomorrow. 

Superman was a Super Man

I spend a large portion of my week in close proximity with someone I'll call "McD".  She is someone I didn't really know until this summer, but it is surprising how much someone can affect you when you spend a lot of time together.  

McD is a negative, hateful person.  Her life theory is to hate people until they prove her reason to like them.  She will come right out and tell this to you.  No innocent until proven guilty for this girl.  Everyone is guilty until proven innocent.  She is bossy, controlling, opinionated and not the least bit shy. There are so many times in a day I hear things come out of her mouth and I am embarrassed for her.  Not that I should be - because she clearly isn't.  

I am not saying I never complain.  I do.  But on a whole I would say I am a positive person.  I try to see the good in people and "look on the bright side" whenever I can.   Though that becomes harder and harder to do when you are surrounded by hate.  

Normally I am a person who would express my opinion or challenge someone when they say something completely moronic.  But with McD I know it would be a lost cause and a never ending battle.  I bite my tongue so many times a day I can't believe it doesn't bleed.  

I cannot imagine a life like that.  At all.  I feel sorry for her in that sense.  Sorry that so little makes her happy and so little makes her smile.  Except for herself. She thinks she's quite funny.  Apparently hate is funny.  

Trying to see the bright side, as I claimed I do, I am viewing this as a learning experience.  McD is teaching me to be tolerant and wise.  Wise about choosing my battles and tolerant in choosing not to let her affect my mood and get inside my head.  It's hard.  Trust me.  But through her I am given a reality check.  A reminder of how I want my life to be and how I choose my reactions and responses.  

The cycle of life carries on through McD.  She has a child who she will raise to think like she does.  My hope for her (but mostly for her child) is that someday, somehow, she will learn to see the beauty in life; the beauty in people and the power of positive thinking.  It is something I hope, but sadly don't see happening.  However, hope can be a beautiful thing.  Christopher Reeves once said "Once you choose hope, anything is possible".  

Rites Of Passage

As we age in life there are many milestones we pass that make us feel older. When we are young there are significant things to look forward to.  At 16 we can get our drivers license.  Or, coincidentally the year I turn 16 they changed the driving program and we could only get our G2.  So that left looking forward to G1 at 17 and then G shortly thereafter. (Unless you're Matt K and you wait until you are 28 to do this...) Anyway, at 18 you can legally vote and at 19 you can drink.  Then you turn 21 and you can drink across the river....an added bonus when you live on a border town.   At 25 car insurance goes down (so they say, but mine never did). 

I went through all of these stages and also took on a mortgage and got into mutual funds - you can't get more grown up than that.  But somehow, none of these things made me feel like an adult.  To quote Miss Britney Spears; "I'm not a girl; not yet a woman".  LOL

Until last week.   Thanksgiving - 2008.  I became a grown up.  In my mind at least. 

How, you might ask?  My sister and my mom both asked me what I was going to bring to Thanksgiving dinner.  What? Suddenly I am responsible for contributing to a family meal? No more are the days I can just show up and eat. I am now part of the process.  Very weird to me. My mom and my sister were blessed with talents in the kitchen.  It's no secret that cooking is not my forte.  But I am learning and I am trying.  So the fact that they would WANT me to contribute is pretty big.  

So my mom calls, before Thanksgiving, to ask what I was going to bring.  I told her I didn't know but that I wanted to make either a salad or vegetable dish (I have to keep things basic here).  My mom says "Oh, remember in the summer when you made that strawberry/spinach salad?"  I told her I did and got excited thinking I could make that again, until she says "Yah - don't make that"  HA - Something only a mother could say.  

You know what else?  Food is not cheap.  Making a big meal for a big family is a lot of money. It's not something I would take on myself.  I am quite content at this point to bring a little side dish.  Kudos to my mom for the many, many amazing dinners she has cooked for all of us.  I have to give a little shout out to my sister too, as she often does this and her food is always amazing.  (Way to steal those genes you little sneak) 

Last Christmas was the first time I did contribute to a meal, but I think with the frenzy of Christmas I never really thought about it.  

So, as of last week, I am officially a grown up.  Green Beans with sesame seeds and bacon was all it took for me to figure that out.  

 

Priceless

Dress $1000.00

Shoes $50.00

Hair $40.00

________________

Picture of a bride dancing with a pumpkin on her head????

PRICELESS

This is reason #1433 why I love Emmilia.

Last Saturday I was honoured to stand beside Emmilia on her wedding day. Looking back it's been 14 years of friendship and 14 years of fun. The first day I met her, I thought she was crazy. In retrospect, I am sure that is why we are still friends. Anyway, it was during the winter of grade 8. Erin and I heard a new girl moved in down the road. We were excited to meet her and make a new friend. We were going tobogganning that day and thought we'd go to her house to introduce ourselves and invite her along. She said she wanted to come with us. As Erin and I stood there in our big snow suits and boots (for those who remember, yes, mine were the big purple Sorels - that I still have to this day) We waited while Emmilia went to get her snow stuff. Out she comes in jeans and duck boots!! Jeans and Duck Boots? Who was this girl?? Does she not know what playing in the snow entails? I am sure Erin and I exchanged skeptical glances and I was pretty confident this "friendship" just wasn't meant to be.

It's funny how when you're 13 you think Duck Boots are tell-tale indicators of the future.

Little did I know.

Throughout the next five years of highschool we had countless fits of laughter and adventures together. I have fond memories of riding around town in her gigantic old suburban, fishing trips with her dad, semi-formals, leadership conferences and so much more. In University we went separate ways, but we always stayed close. Road trips to her dorm, and all the other places she lived were always great times.

But really, it never mattered and still doesn't matter what city we are in or what we are doing. Even when we are sitting around doing nothing, Emmilia can always make me laugh. And that is what I love about her.

So, It's no surprise that 14 years after she wore jeans in the snow, I laughed right along side her while she danced with pumpkin on her head. I wouldn't have it any other way.

C'mon! You didn't think I wasn't going to do it too, did you?

Her brother did it too......And one of the groomsmen, but I didn't get a picture of him.

A letter of Thanks

Dear Person who lives near me,

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your internet with me. I've calculated that you've saved me over $300.00. If I knew who you were, or where you were, I'd properly thank you. I might even bake you some cookies or something.

If there is anything I can do for you, like share my cable, let me know. I'm "nice" like that too.

Sincerely,

Sara

Ode to Doogie

Remember how at the end of every episode of Doogie Howser he would turn on his computer and write this insightful one-liner summarizing his day and the life lesson learned?  

I wish I was cool enough to do that.   

I also wish I had a little italian friend named Vinnie that would randomly climb through my window to visit me.   Just kidding. 

Ode To Maya

There are two famous women in life that I just absolutely love. Well, three...but everyone loves Oprah, so I am not including her here. Loving Oprah is just a given. Anyway, my thoughts here today are of Dr. Maya Angelou. I randomly came across a quote of hers today and it brought a smile to my face.

Anyone who watches Oprah knows her deep love for this woman. She speaks so highly of her and in great awe. I am not sure if it was Oprah that got me into her in the first place. It's quite possible. Either way, I too, am in awe of this woman. Her life story is beyond incredible and her work can leave you speechless. I can't begin to get into details here because I wouldn't do her justice.

So you can imagine my surprise and excitement when, two years ago, I found out that Maya was going to my old University. She was doing a talk at the school that evening. How I didn't find out about that sooner is beyond me but I was thankful to have learned of it in the first place. I called the school and found out there were only two tickets left. I bought one immediately and called as many people as I could that I thought would be available to go. Unfortunately (for them...suckers!) no one was available. Anyway, I went alone and loved every minute of it. I left there with a special feeling; like I had been touched by her presence.

Reading her work is one thing. But hearing her speak is another. Physically, I was surprised to see her. She is 6 feet tall with a deep, strong voice. She speaks like she is singing - with great flow. Actually, she did sing that night as well. She did not use paper or cue cards, yet did not miss a beat. It was powerful and beautiful. I still can't figure out how or why she ended up at a small town University in Northern Michigan. But she did and I am so thankful. (If you haven't gotten the message here...I'm trying to tell you to go and read her work.)

Today I came upon this quote she once said:

"If you only have one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be surly at home, then go into the street and start grinning 'Good Morning' at total strangers"

I know this isn't the most profound poetic thing she's ever said. But it did get me thinking. I began to think about how often we take people in our life for granted. Not that I plan to go out and scowl at strangers from this point on - but I am really going to try to be conscious of where I direct my energy. As part of my job I am trained to be polite and use etiquette with customers. Do I go out of my way for strangers? Don't we all? Not that I think that's a bad quality to be polite and nice. I mean, I'm all about paying it forward and making the world a better place. But we may be quick to jump at those in our life. Take out our exhaustion or frustration on those closest to us. It's also important to remember that for people important in our life, something small and simple can make all the difference in their day. I know it can for me. A quick phone call to say hi, a short email that lets me know I was on someone's mind. Even a text message here and there is nice. I know a phone call home makes my mom so happy.

My lesson from Maya today is to treat those I love well and appreciate the good in my life. Live in the now with no regrets.

For anyone wondering, the other famous person I love is Bette Midler. I have no idea why. There is no good reason for it. I have just loved her for as long as I can remember. I know she's doing shows in Vegas right now and I would die to go to one.

An ultimate dream for me would be to drink wine and chat with Oprah, Bette and Maya. Like my own twisted episode of Sex and the City. We'd be friends for life.

Why it pays to be lazy...

More often than not, we need to learn to see the glass as half full. Which is why I am declaring that it pays to be lazy.  Tonight I found a pair of pants I forgot I own.  How cool is that??  New pants!  In a big pile of clothes on my laundry room floor, (a pile which I label, "not important - can wait until later" clothes),  I stumbled upon these pants.   And I literally did stumble on them.  I wasn't being proactive nor energetic enough to actually tackle the task of washing these clothes.  I truly did just trip over them, in a quest to find my baseball socks.  Yes, there are such things as baseball socks.  Though they are the same as my golf socks, they quite differ from my hockey socks.  Anyway, let's stay on topic here.   I equate finding my new pants as fun as finding something exciting in your old coat at the start of a new season.   How fun is it to put on last years winter coat and find money in the pocket.  I'm quite positive an organized individual does not experience this luxury - HA! I scoff at these individuals.  Look what you're missing out on!! Free money! Well, the money is about as free as the pants I found tonight are new - but humour me.   

And I don't even need to find money to get excited.  Bring on an old lip gloss and I'm elated.  

I remember years ago my family had a big garage sale.  My mom was selling all of my great uncles old clothes.   This guy buys a pair of pants for $0.50.  In an effort to, I don't know, admire the pants I guess, he held them up against him and walked around.  Wanted to make sure they fit, etc.  Well, in this charade he finds a $20.00 in the back pocket. It's too bad he did this right in front of us because he then felt obligated to give it back. Sucker.   Had he waited until he got home to just try them on, he would have profited $19.50.  Bringing me back to my main point - here is yet another example of how it would have paid to be lazy.  Literally.